I can love this generation and I can abhor it so much. After listening to Johnny Cash for hours and taking it in, I realize how fucked up our generation is. Our sense of style, ideas, and of course music. It sickens me. Although I do abide our lifestyle, and I therefore am hating the way I live, I’m only the product of society. This world has me in it’s grasp and can manipulate me any way it pleases. Using my fear and self-hate as its tools. I wish to free myself but that requires a strong man of wisdom and will power. Traits of which I am not. I try and I try but it’s very difficult. I can be my own worst enemy. Too many things worry me. My career, my love life, my choice of friends. Especially my friends. They are great people. My friend Shawn… is apparently going to jail. He acts without thinking of consequences and karma’s a bitch. His choices weren’t smart. As for my other friends, they are good people but I don’t feel like I belong with them. Nick and I have the same humor, which is hard to find, but he can be a little immature sometimes. He’s a pretty boy that can get full of himself and be someone he’s not. He is societies bitch. He needs to learn to give less fucks.

I just want ONE friend I can be myself around and will do the same in return, and we just get along perfectly. A true Bromance. I honestly don’t need girls. Not only is the one girl that is perfect for me so hard to find and so unlikely for me to meet, but she may not exist. I don’t want another relationship if it’s not with a girl that can truly make me happy. I don’t need sex. It is awesome but I don’t need it. I don’t need a love companion. I need a bro. I need someone to show they respect me and prove that I do belong here in this world. In the end, that’s all I really want. Respect. If people showed that I mattered more and that people respect me.. I wouldn’t be miserable half the time. When Logan Huffman told me he loved me (no homo), it really made me happy because I looked up to this dude and he showed his respect for me. It was a great feeling. A Shawn, my friend who might be going to jail, also gave me a big hug the other night and told me he loved me. And he realized he didn’t have my number after being friends for a year now. I gave him it and he gave me another hug. Yes, he was drunk. But people mean that kind of shit when they’re drunk. I was sober when it happened but nevertheless I felt pretty happy. It was a first for Shawn. I didn’t think I really mattered to him.

I feel like I don’t matter to a lot of people.  

lol true

Today was a great day. Nothing really happened, it was just the mood I was in. As of today my life is being turned around. I’m gonna start studying for the GED test everyday and try and get a job. REALLY TRY. I’m gonna stop sleeping in ‘til noon. I will get more exercise. And I am swearing off relationships until I meet my goal of becoming who I want to be. Relationships stall me. I can’t afford that. Hopefully I can stick to my words on this. I’m praying to God. Wish me good luck. 

I’m not Mr. Popular. Not at all. But people know me. Mostly in negative ways but people know my name. Alexis told me a while back that people were saying mean things about and I asked what exactly and she told me what they said, and who said it and it shocked me. People that said they were my friends and that I could talk to them about things. I don’t want to talk to you about things if you’re going to judge me and bitch to others about it. No way. I’m so troubled and I can’t talk to anyone because they’re so two-faced. I’m just gonna stay dependent and forget about people. When people hate you and want to kill you, you know you’re doing something wrong. Fuck going outside, fucking communicating with others, fuck relationships. And fuck my friends. I love them but they won’t allow me to have fun unless I’m under the influence. Real mature. When will new friends come along? No idea. What I like most about Allison is that she’s such an honest person and she’s fun and she just does without trying, just a great friend. I try. Too hard. I don’t get how I can have such a love for people and truly care about them but if I get close to them emotionally I turn into a selfish asshole with no consideration of others feelings. Boy, I hate me. I wish suicide was so much easy. Just the thought of being able to stop the suffering but hurt others is a real complication. When I do feel like doing myself in, I just think about people and how their lives would change.   My Mom wouldn’t know what to do.. I fear she would kill herself as well. I doubt it, though. She still has Brooke. Brooke’s heart would be torn. One day I was on the verge of killing myself. I started breaking shit while screaming at the top of my lungs so I texted Brooke that I was thinking about it and I needed her. She showed up crying and couldn’t stop hugging me. She told me she couldn’t stand the thought of me dead and me saying I wanted to be dead, it broke her heart. How could I kill myself? It takes too much heartlessness to do it. But since I’m not, I’m just suffering EVERY-FUCKING-DAY.The more I suffer the more it shows I really care…? Right? Yeah. lol that was an Offspring quote. But for real.. My posts are getting me any help at all. People say they care but never show it. You guys see I’m in pain but no one messages me. This is me actually getting things of my chest and it goes no where. Most likely unread. But whatever. I had an okay day.

A brony.

I don’t know how it happened.. I only watched for a minute and I was hooked. 

What can I say? Friendship is magic.

I understand I said bad things about Allison to her ex-boyfriend. Something very bad. I know it was wrong. I was just angry. I realize know I was just angry at myself. Does it make me a bad person? Apparently. After our subtle break up me and Allison were fine. We still talked and she was still getting over me. I told her we’d still be friends even if I got a girlfriend. I was talking to Alexis shortly after but it wasn’t like that. Allison got the impression I was talking to other girls already. Shortly after we were married on Facebook but it didn’t mean anything. And then she told me she liked me and I kinda liked her but I wasn’t gonna date her. After time we did, of course. But I tried sticking to my word and I asked Allison if we could be friends. I told her Alexis wouldn’t like it because I knew she wouldn’t but I liked being Allison’s friend. She said no. Politely. I might of done something somewhere.. I can’t remember, but I guess I did something to be really hated for because I can’t go visit my school to see friends because A guy wants to bash my face in. My friend Kelsie hates me and it hurts. Dolah hates. She was a good friend to me and helped me and gave me advice for things and I thank her for it but now she hates me. Erick.. My dubstep buddy now hates me! I could talk to him about all my anxiety shit and share which is something I can’t really do with most people. Even here on Tumblr nobody talks to me. Which is why I don’t really come here much. I end up writing my pathetic life on the internet for no one to see or read. But yeah, people hate me. People I love and respected. Allison told me what they said about me and it cut deep. I’ve lost faith in me. I care what people think because their opinion on me is kinda like a review on my performance in their life. I honestly care more about others than I do myself.

I get enough shit from family to make me feel bad. My Mom and I’s friend Andy told me I’m an asshole that needs to get a job. <— that hurt. I cried in my room for two hours. lol I know I’m a bitch. But it’s hard for me to be strong. I’m suicidal for Christ’s sake. I have mental illnesses and I get bullied and hated on every fucking day. I’m sorry I’m not happy with life. Devell’s an asshole. He doesn’t know me. Nobody knows me. I don’t think anyone knows me. That’s the problem. I’m alone on this God forsaken planet. I will never be happy. I’ve tried to many times and the outcomes were clear. The only happiness I get is from alcohol and that’s no way to live.

What I want most.. Is to be respected. The sensation of fitting in. The feeling of being loved by others. I want people to stop hating me. I probably deserve it because I can be an asshole. But I don’t think they hate me for right reasons. All of them are wrong about me. Even Allison. She can go right ahead and say how terrible I am and tell all of her friends so they hate me. She don’t know anything about me and what goes on in my troubled mind. My brain is starting to hurt -_-

I’ll go and contemplate suicide some more. 

I’m listening to Outnumbered by The Devil Wears Prada and I love it oh so much. When I went to their concert back in December I didn’t know the song. Now that I love it I want to go see them again haha. Mikes voice is just superb and Daniel made the drum track the greatest thing ever and it makes me eargasm. 

I got super drunk the other night and had a great ass time. Logan Huffman told me he loved me and that I’m his nigga. Thats the greatest thing anyone has ever said to me lol. He was drunk as fuck so I know he meant it lol Kylie Schneider also gave me a high five for smashin a fifth lol that was funny too. she told me i look like Jesse Sain and i laughed cause Ive heard that before so many times. People also told Jesse he looks like me haha. I had fun getting drunk but I threw up in my frinds van on the way back to my house. then we got inside and i told my mom i loved her then fell on my face haha. i stumbled and crawled to the bathroom and puked for quite a while. then went to my room and fell and started puking so Shawn bein the friend he is picked me up and took me to the bathroom. I puked more. Went back to my room, laid down and puked off the side of my bed until i fell asleep. then woke up laying in it on the floor and i couldnt help but laugh cause I was fucked up. and I spent the rest of the day sitting at my grandmas puking. Getting drunk was fun. Hangovers are HELL. I wanted to kill myself.